The other week I saw the largest spider I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s just one of the things I don’t enjoy about living in Florida. Now I keep getting paranoid that, not only am I’m going to get a spider bite, but I may encounter other unseemly creatures.

One thing I can’t get out of my head is the possible danger of sitting on the toilet. I know Florida has a big Burmese Python issue… and I worry… can a snake come up the pipes, into the toilet, and bit my butt?!

It just makes you think… or not.

I finally gave in, and decided to spend the money to get an iPhone 4. This will be my first iPhone, and I’m really excited for it.

But I’m also really frustrated… I CAN’T STOP CHECKING THE ORDER STATUS! I’m like this whenever I order something from the internet. I track my orders from conception. At any given moment I can tell you where my package is on it’s trek to my front door.

Hi. I’m Brandon, and I’m a prime candidate for A&Es “Obsessed.”

All that pointlessness being said, I’ve already gotten the Wordpress app on iTunes, so I can randomly blog from my phone! Hopefully that means ‘real time’ randomness!

I was watching a non-recorded tv show yesterday, and had to endure commercials. One of the many million Viagra commercials started playing. Old guy walks around ashamed over being differently-abled in the erectile department. Suddenly, his reflection begins talking to him. “Talk to your Dr!” “It’s not a big problem.” “I NEED TO GET LAID!”

Then, in small writing, the warning: “Viagra does not prevent HIV.”

In our world of ligitation happy idiots, we now have to warn that the medicine that allows guys to physically perform an action that can SPREAD HIV  doesn’t  actually protect AGAINST it?

Um.. duh. I’m surprised someone hasn’t sued, because they tripped on a shoelace. “But your honor, their wasn’t any kind of warning I could fall!” Idiots.

I’m a big fan of the now defunct show, Mega-Disasters. I am a total nerd-bomb when it comes to apocoplyptic movies/tv. Heck.. I’ve watched the movie 2012 a total of 5 times b/c of the fun special effects. In actuality, watching that horrible movie ONCE is too much… that’s just how much I love the end of the world stuff.

I’m sad that Mega-disasters ended… I think it may have been because they ran out of show ideas. Really, you can only come up with so many ideas until they look the same. HOWEVER, I may be able to revive the dead show! Here are my ideas for next season Mega Disasters:

1.) Kanye West’s head gets so big that it blows up the world. Hell, his head is already so big that it may rip a hole in the universe, and give birth to a black hole.. (and, no, that is NOT a play on race.. though I WAS kind of inadvertently funny right there… ha.)

2.) Kathy Griffin is shown without make-up…. on a big screen… in HIGH DEF!!!!! Now I love me some Kathy, but… anyone that’s seen the episodes where she’s working in the humid south knows what I’m talking about. Yeesh! (And Kathy, if you read this (and I know you do because I’m SO world renowned) LOVE YOU… … (so much for that backstage pass…)

3.) The author of the Twilight series, Stephanie Meyers, writes one last book where Bella has gone into hiding after the years of emotional abuse from Edward. He goes berserk and kills Jacob. There would be mass suicides around the globe as Team Edward and Team Jacob losers realize their dream men are either dead or nuts (and *gasp!* fictional.) Most romantic series my ass.

4.) Lindsay Lohan. (She could be at least an entire season.)

5.) KFC invents a sandwich where fried chicken replaces the bread. The word’s population dies as just the site of the sandwich makes their arteries congeal.

6.) The girls from Sex and the City admit their real age, and Samantha admits to having every STD in the book. Women (and gay men) everywhere cry themselves into comas as they realize their sexually liberating fantasy is a lie.

7.) A big oil rig explodes, and the dumb oil company and government can’t do a damn thing to stop it.

Usually the “Missed Connections” section of Craigslist can be boring. It’s full of people that ’shoulda woulda coulda’ through they’re lives, and hope that other person they were too scared to talk to will actually be as nerdy as them (or conceited enough to think someone would write about them) and take the time to check the missed connections.

On occasion, I will  find ads that make me giggle.  Liiiiiiiiiike this one:

Joann – m4w (Lynxx bus station)

---

Date: 2010-05-20, 4:36PM EDT

Reply To This Post

---

I was at the bus station when I noticed you ,you were wearing a frilly mini skirt ,black ankle high boots ,black fishnet stockings and a black tanktop .I liked your style ,you kept pacing in front of me over and over -looking for a bus that wasnt there,You started walking around the parimeter of the station and as I waited by the free shuttle stop,I tried to speak to you but you had your head phones on and couldnt hear me ,I seen you this Saturday in your Mc Ds outfit -thats how I got your name (name tag) Cant seem to get you outta my mind and when I see you I cant keep my eyes off ya -lets talk ,be friends if nothin else

• Location: Lynxx bus station
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

I almost want to write my own missed connection to this guy:

“I read your posting to Joanna. You sound like you’re in love. I just want you to take a 2nd look at the first  time you saw her? What did she wear? She kept walking by you, and looking at you? Was she in a corner?

I simply ask this because… well.. I think your new girlfriend is a hooker.”

… I’m sure they’ll be very happy together.

Yesterday I read an article on how a lady was able to get a designer license plate saying “Biotch.” It was, however, decided she couldn’t have the plate due to it’s inappropriateness for the lil kids of the world.

I’m not sure why you’d want people to know you’re not a nice person, but one really has to learn to be sneaky when you decide to advertise such flaws. Take the van I saw the other day… they’re advertising…

Of course I could be wrong… I just may have 6ex on the brain.

Dear Kohls:

NO!…  NO!…. STOP IT!….. STOP IT.

The end of my shift at work is one of the best moments of my day… it is also one of the worst moments of my day. The road rage that builds in me is like, ‘whoa.’ Up until a week ago, I was able to release that anger with a simple flip of the finger. Unfortunately my seriouso didn’t appreciate hearing those stories, and I had to stop doing it. … … boys.

With all this anger building, I need to come up with ways to keep my mind off the other idiots on my drive home. So I’ve been taking pictures of the idiots instead:

Now, I’m pretty sure this is illegal, but I see people riding in the back of trucks all the time. I remember enjoying it as a kid, but we had to lay in the back so people didn’t see… and it WASN’T on a busy road!

Not only is this guy in the trailer of a truck, but he’s sitting on top of a tool chest that rests ABOVE the top of the sides of the truck! One quick turn, and you just slide right off the truck and under someone’s car who is rushing from work to make it to their spinning class (because they’re instructor has the biggest boobs he’s ever seen!).

I guess Darwin had a point when it comes to the weaker of the species dying out due to their own idiocy.

I still miss giving the finger though. How else will people learn!?

I began doing Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred, because it seemed like most of my family was also doing it. After having done the torturous exercises I made an interesting connection… The production company is Lionsgate.. the same company that brought us the Saw franchise!

It all makes sense to me now!

There are certain things I feel are acceptable to do at work rather than at home. For example, I make my breakfast at work so I don’t have to worry about having that extra 5-10 minutes at home.

Today I was working dutifully, and hearing a snipping noise in the background… I’m pretty sure I know what it is, but I don’t really care. I’m pretty focused when I’m working, and I just keep doing my thing. Suddenly something bounces around in my cubicle, and lands on my desk.  I look down, smiling, because I think my next door neighbor has thrown a paper clip in revenge for my usual attacks on her.

My smile fades as I find the object…

you guessed it.

Half of my co-worker’s nail was lying on my desk.